Random.

Okay jus an hr ago, I had a random breakdown. Which was totally weird 'cause I had no idea why. After Daryl left to go home.. I felt this instant feeling of lonliness. I don't think it was cause she left.. it's not her. It's like I feel like I have friends and not trying to sound conceided, but have a handful a guys tryna get @ me. butt like it's not enough. Am I suddenly out of nowhere wanting or needing a serious guy? Like, lately for awhile, I've been into jus wanting to have a fun time to js party and shit. Live the single life but on good girl terms. but now I feel like. I want something more. I want a guy I can be crazy about, who'll like me as much as I like him. But I can't handle guys who are far away.. there's boys everywhere and a specific one i've been talking to too whose jus too far. but like it's not enough. Am I too hard to please? Its not that iam. I'm not lookung for THE PERFECT GUY. Trust, I've been crazy about the most imperfect person ever. He treated me like shit @ times, but he had my heart. Its crazy how someone can do all the right things to a girl, but @ the same time. it's not enough. I like someone when i like someone. Its weird enough, but love, infatuation, whatever is instant the moment i meet you. It never really grows from knowing a friend.. idk why. prove me wrong.

I'm kinda on my ragg. whateverrrrrr.. & fuck school. SENIORTITIS.

FML.

Iam so sick of this family bullshit. Okay so my mother wants to divorce my dad. She's been saying the same shit over the past 5 years but she's only looking out for my little brother. Okay WELLL I say divorce him if you're not happy. He's not my real dad anyways and he's being a total asshole to me recently. They both are actually. They yell @ me for no fucking reason and I'm not doing anything wrong. We're having money problems too and it's like wow. Okay so our house is what's the problem. I think it's not worth keeping this house in rancho. SERIOUSLY! My mom works in beverly hills, my dad works in studio city. They work somewhere that's over an hour away! Waste of gas, waste of time, ALL IN ALL, WASTE OF MONEY! and to think of it, they work so damn much, they don't spent alot of time @ home anyways! Might as well move back to LA where i'd happily like to go back to and live again! If you're so unhappy, do some thing about it! FUCK. This family is retarded.

I wish it was that easy to live on your own.

UGHHH. and I hate work. shitty hours. school's in less than 2 weeks. damn....

TOL -- Thinking Out Loud.

"Do you think love is a cruel trick nature plays on us to create more screaming babies, or is it EVERYTHING?" -- Feast Of Love.

That movie is pretty sad and realistic. Anyways, summer's been fun so far! I've been out alot, I think. I'm super bored right now so I'm writing in here, and I'm usually lazy to update this. For some reason I started thinking about if any guy I somewhat "loved", loved me back. Or had feelings that could grow into love. WHAAAATEVAAAA.

Hahaha, I really think my past made me someone who really keeps their feelings on real check now. It's like, I'm super careful now or carefree, which is good yet bad. Or maybe I'm just super picky or too preoccupied enjoying life and caring about having fun and being busy? I seriously don't make sense right now.

Fuck this shit. Hahaha, okay a lil update these past couple of weeks....

Uhh, so last week I went to Las Vegas first and stayed at Ballys. Crappyass hotel! and then after one night, we drove to Grand Canyon, it took so damn long -- like 4 - 5 hours! and then went back to Vegas at 10. I got dropped off at Town Square mall to meet up with Clarissa and her fam. We watched that John Travolta Densel Washington movie. Kinda good but stupid plot. I stayed over with her over her casa, which was a lil akward to me at first. Haha I think 'cause I didn't know her fam so well and ish. HER MOM LIKES ME THO! HAHAHA. It was so cute, we were playing hide 'n seek with her lil cousins and went swimming. Then yeaaah went home on Tuesday night.

Wednesday was Janine's grad. Their graduation is so much more legit than Ranchos. Wtf like seriously I'm kinda jealous! Lol, so much better.. After we went to eat Sushi. Thursday was the 1st day of Student Achievement Leadership Camp. 45 of us stayed at this really pretty 4 bedroom, 3 bedroom beach house on Newport Beach. Shit was so nice! :) Liiiike, It was right on the sand and the water was literally a 2 min walk away. It was one of our students' mom's friend's beach house, and she was too generous enough to let us stay their for 2 nights -- for FREE. Wtf, I wouldn't let 45 strangers, the majority of them HIGHSCHOOL STUDENTS stay at my expensive beautiful beach house! 'Cause that house was kind of a disaster after. We cleaned tho, but STILL. Hahaha like seriously? I'm thankful tho so I should stop baggin'.

Anyways, It was pretty fun! Bike riding was so niceee, I really like it. I want a bike now but too bad my dad gave mines away. I want one of those nice beach cruisers. Ate @ BJ's, ate a bunch of unhealthy food -- UGH. Smores were the best.. :) There was a jazcuzzi in the beach house too so that was cool. Uhm, everything was greatttt. And we only had to pay $20 for camp!

Saturday was Pauls grad/Kiko's bday party. It was chill.. Kiko liked his MAMA$ freakdance present, I'm suuure HAHA. Sunday was Papa daaay. We ate @ freakin' Cosmo's burgers, wow. I wanted Corner Bakery, I woulda paid too. Had work from 1:30 - 9.

Monday Petra came over and she dyed my hair to an auburn brown. I really like it, but i'm thinking of making it a lil more red. And I dyed hers like dark brown. Today I had the car finally! Picked up Jane, went to VG to shop around... and put these sexy shoes @ reflection on hold. But I forgot it was on hold for only 2 hours and some bitch took my shoes when I came back with Nicole :( So now I might go to Montclair today to grab 'em because they have my size there. DAMNIT! Okay.. time to knock out.

P.S. AYE MAMI, YOU SEXY.

HELL.

So this past week ....

okay so it started on last sunday, my tummy or my side started hurting. it was like this dull ache that didn't go away and bugged. I thought i needed to just chill or go bathroom but yeah it wasn't. So on tuesday I went to the hospital for a checkup to see what was upp and they said I had appendisitis? lol i was like OH GODDD surgery again? and so later on that day i went through surgery. It was exactly how i pictured it to beee. I freaking HATED ITT.

so i was on my bed and the doc put whatever they put through my iv and i fell asleep instantly. it amazes me how i didn't remember anything exept waking up in the recovery room talking to some nurse and then i woke up again in my room. I was OUUUTT! and that night I kept waking up every hour to go pee and i felt nauseous. I kept gagging and vomiting but nothing was coming out since I didn't eat. It sucked and I was on all these drugs hahaha OHMYGOD I hate surgery. there was this lil girl who took out her appendix the same day as me, and we were sharing a room. she was peacefully sleeping the whole damn night and there I was gagging my ass off feeling like I wanted to die lol.

but later on that day I went home and I felt a lil better. oh yeah tay and taj visited me while i was knocked the eff out from vikadin and I HAD NO IDEA! my dad took a pic of them with me on my phone hahaha bitches. so since then I've been having headaches and stuff. I was on vikadin for a couple days but I stopped. I hate those painkillers.

But yeah I'm feeling better lil by lil everyday and I hope I get to go to school on wednesday since I have a followup this tuesday. It sucks thooo cuz I have alot of school crap to make up and a bio proj to get going. ughhh and then there's prom in less than 2 weeks, work, and all these other events. sheeeesh!

okay i'm done. I can't wait to work with aubs and finally meet someone :)

Papa.

I grew up without my biologicial dad, but i knew of him since elementary. I haven't seen him since I was a baby but I plan on seeing him sometime in the future. We sometimes email and stuff, but I usually don't email back. I don't mean to tho. And my mom ALWAYS tells me to email him but I don't. It's kinda like how i lag on texting and shit 'cause I suck like that. But then my mom tells today that my papa has leukemia? it's not like he's gonna die soon or anything, that's what they say. It's not the serious kind of leukemia? he'll have a longer life compared to other cancer patients I guess.. It just kinda made me a lil sad? But it doesn't hit me hard or anything like I'm gonna cry right now 'cause I don't even know him that well. It's just really sad 'cause he has 3 younger sons. But yeah... I hope I see him soon when I go to the Philippines. I was just really suprised.... :/

On a happier note, I have a B- in APUSH!? yay :) so suprised haha. And I totally gave up on bio and I'm ditching my exam tomorrow. Ima get a refund cuz I 100% know that Iam going to fail. FAIL. so might as well save my money. Oh wellllls. I didn't have any time to study. That's what happens when you get a job. FAAAAAAIL. Now I know. pffft.

fuck it tho! SCHOOLS OUT IN ONE MONTH! ;)

?

One thing I think about sometimes is having alot of close friends. Is it just me or do I feel like I have to please everyone? I do have alot of close friends and sometimes I end up hanging out with one more than the other but it's not intentionally. And sometimes I do feel bad because I'm "too busy" or don't have time for one or the other. But it's not my fault and I surely don't mean to do what I do. And then it makes me look bad like "I don't care" or makes me look like I'd rather hang out with one group than the other. But I DO CARE. I love and miss alot of people. And if I could, I would have all the time in the world to spend with everyone I love and miss. But I can't and I hope my friends realize I try. Everyone has their own lives and everyone has their own things going on. It's not your priority to make everyone happy. And another thing, when I try hanging out with some, then they can't or don't have the time. SO! it's not just me, sorry.

And on the real, what really bugs the shit outta me is when people ALWAYS assume I'm with the "mamas". Nigga please, I have work, school, family, friends in other places. Not that it's a bad thing, but maybe I'm happy that I finally found a group of friends I can hang with on the regular round rancho. It just bothers me in a way how people say it like they're fucking annoyed.

peace.

Suckaaaaa.

I just gotta face the fact. I don't know you as well. I don't go to school with you. We don't have the same friends. We live far apart.

Too opposite?

I bet you'd be the best I never had.

Anna, you're retarded haha. ahhh damn..